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LOVE UNARMED

A field guide to familiar moments

See the pattern.
Find an opening.

Six ways we try to protect ourselves. Tap a picture that feels familiar. These are moments, not types of people.

01 / I build a case.

The courtroom

Your opening statement was excellent. Unfortunately, this was dinner.
  1. The moment

    I feel unheard.

  2. The armour

    I try to prove I’m right.

  3. A small opening

    I say what hurt.

“I felt left out when the plans changed. Can I tell you what that was like for me?”

See it in everyday life

A fictional example

A plan changes without a conversation. You start listing the last three times it happened.

You might notice

You collect examples, correct the timeline, or keep explaining until your version wins.

What you might be protecting

Being believed. Having your experience taken seriously. A possibility to explore, not an explanation imposed on you.

What can get lost

The facts can matter, and the conversation can still lose the person inside them.

A question to sit with

If I didn’t have to prove my entire case, what would I most want understood?

A different move

Name one feeling before presenting another piece of evidence.

Try a new move ↗All six patterns ↑

02 / I check out.

The disappearing act

Physically in the room. Emotionally on a connecting flight.
  1. The moment

    It feels too much.

  2. The armour

    I go quiet or leave.

  3. A small opening

    I ask for a clear pause.

“I’m overwhelmed. I need a break. Could we try again after dinner?”

See it in everyday life

A fictional example

A tense question arrives while you’re tired. You stop answering and start scrolling.

You might notice

You go quiet, reach for your phone, change the subject, or leave without saying when you’ll return.

What you might be protecting

Space. Relief from a conversation that feels too much. A possibility to explore, not an explanation imposed on you.

What can get lost

An unexplained exit can leave the other person guessing. Taking a break and abandoning a conversation are different choices.

A question to sit with

What would help me take space without leaving the next step unclear?

A different move

Ask for space and suggest when to check back in, if it is safe to do so.

Try a new move ↗All six patterns ↑

03 / I say it’s fine.

The peacekeeper

Everyone is comfortable. Except the person saying it’s fine.
  1. The moment

    I fear disappointing you.

  2. The armour

    I say yes when I mean no.

  3. A small opening

    I say one honest preference.

“I know I said yes. I’ve realised that doesn’t work for me. Can we find another time?”

See it in everyday life

A fictional example

You agree to another weekend plan, then spend the evening quietly resenting it.

You might notice

You agree quickly, soften every preference, or wait until resentment speaks for you.

What you might be protecting

Belonging. Keeping friction out of the moment. A possibility to explore, not an explanation imposed on you.

What can get lost

A peaceful surface can conceal an agreement you never really wanted to make.

A question to sit with

What would I say if having a preference didn’t make me difficult?

A different move

Say one small, honest preference without building a defence for it.

Try a new move ↗All six patterns ↑

04 / I take over.

The director

A relationship, with a surprisingly detailed operating manual.
  1. The moment

    Uncertainty feels difficult.

  2. The armour

    I take over every detail.

  3. A small opening

    We agree on the outcome.

“I need us both to take responsibility for this. Can we agree who owns what, and leave room for different ways of doing it?”

See it in everyday life

A fictional example

You ask for help with a task, then supervise every step because your way feels safer.

You might notice

You specify how things should be done, correct the approach, or redo a task without discussing it.

What you might be protecting

Predictability. Confidence that something important won’t be missed. A possibility to explore, not an explanation imposed on you.

What can get lost

A real need for shared responsibility can get lost in instructions about the exact method.

A question to sit with

Which part is a genuine agreement or boundary, and which part is my preferred method?

A different move

Separate the outcome you need from the method you prefer.

Try a new move ↗All six patterns ↑

05 / I keep checking.

The alarm bell

The message has been read. The detective has been activated.
  1. The moment

    I don’t know where I stand.

  2. The armour

    I keep looking for signs.

  3. A small opening

    I ask the real question.

“I’m unsure where we stand. Could we make time to talk about what we both want?”

See it in everyday life

A fictional example

A reply is late. You draft a fourth message instead of deciding how you want to spend your evening.

You might notice

You reread messages, ask the same question repeatedly, or search for certainty in small signals.

What you might be protecting

Reassurance. A sense of where you stand. A possibility to explore, not an explanation imposed on you.

What can get lost

More checking can become the whole activity, while the question you want to ask stays unsaid.

A question to sit with

What do I actually know, what am I guessing, and what is mine to choose now?

A different move

Identify the question you can ask directly, and what you will do while waiting.

Try a new move ↗All six patterns ↑

06 / I fire back.

The counterattack

A concern came in. A counter-concern was dispatched immediately.
  1. The moment

    I feel criticised.

  2. The armour

    I point out your mistakes.

  3. A small opening

    I hear one concern first.

“I can see that I interrupted you. I want to hear you out. Afterwards, there’s something I’d also like to talk about.”

See it in everyday life

A fictional example

Someone says you interrupted them. Your first response is to remind them what they did yesterday.

You might notice

Before responding to a concern, you bring up the other person’s mistakes or explain why they caused yours.

What you might be protecting

Dignity. Not being reduced to the person who got it wrong. A possibility to explore, not an explanation imposed on you.

What can get lost

Both concerns may be real. Bringing them up at once can make it hard to address either one.

A question to sit with

What can I acknowledge without agreeing with every part of their account?

A different move

Respond to one part of the concern before raising your own.

Try a new move ↗All six patterns ↑